Once divorce becomes a real possibility, your thoughts probably jump straight to the future. The fear sets in quickly: I can’t afford to live on my own. How much of my income will I have to give up? Am I going to end up broke? There’s usually a flood of unknowns, both emotional and financial, that come crashing in all at once. It can be overwhelming.
Even though we often hear stories about messy, bitter divorces, the truth is that most couples I work with genuinely want things to be fair. They want to walk away feeling like everyone has been treated with some level of respect and decency. But here’s the issue: fair means different things to different people. What feels fair to one person might feel completely unfair to the other, especially if there’s been hurt, betrayal, or unresolved issues in the marriage. People bring all of that into the divorce process, often without even realizing it. It becomes less about money or custody and more about trying to fix something that went wrong emotionally. This is part of what drives the massive divorce industry. Everyone is fighting for what they believe is fair.
But what if you let go of the idea of fairness altogether? I know that might sound strange, but just consider it. What if each person stopped worrying about what the other was getting and instead focused on what they truly needed to move forward? What if, instead of fighting over what’s equal, you sat down with a divorce financial planner to figure out what it would actually take for you to be okay, and then brought that into mediation as your starting point? It might not be equal. It might not check all the boxes of what you originally thought was fair. But it might actually work for everyone. And that is the real goal.
So maybe it’s time to let go of the word fair. Focus instead on what’s going to help you build a stable, healthy next chapter. Think about what’s best for your kids, your peace of mind, and your long-term well-being. One thing I always tell my clients is this: divorce ends the marriage, not the family. You are still a family, just a different version of one. My job is to help you become the best divorced family you can be.