Facing a crisis in your marriage can sometimes land you on the side of divorce. Can things be done ethically through your divorce process? Can you find a way to do what’s best for both parties? 5% of divorce cases are actually litigated and, in the process, finding out where to place guilt and fault started me thinking, what role does ethics have in divorce and how does it show up? 

When you think about ethics interesting images may come to mind; the snake oil salesman of the 1920s, Mr. Potter in “It’s a Wonderful Life”, or the typical caricature of the Lawyer who couldn't care less about his clients and instead is only interested in the fees that will line his own pockets.

Ethics can show up in a variety of ways; comforting a crying client, reassuring them everything will be okay. Letting them know that divorce does not mean economic demise. You may think about the recommendations made to couples telling them about the absolute best thing for them to do is sell their house, despite their emotional attachment and desire to stay. As a financial advisor who digs into every minute detail of their finances, you are often the only person who realizes that keeping the house would lead to financial devastation. While this is difficult news to deliver, it is better than the news of a looming foreclosure or bankruptcy that some face when trying to keep a marital house. The truth is that concern should be for the ultimate stability and welfare of both parties in the divorce, regardless of who the client is and especially if there are children involved. 

That’s the real difference. The fact is they are still a family, and one of my objectives is to help this couple become the best divorced family they can be! The goal being to get the couple through the process without either of them feeling like a criminal. Because of the way we treat divorce in the U.S., I've seen couple after couple after couple embark on the litigation process only to end up feeling punished, angry, financially devastated, and anything but a winner. After having gone through divorce myself, I have concluded that we've got it all wrong. 

It is a major miscalculation to think of divorce as a legal dispute that can only be managed in a courtroom. Our process neglected to understand that this is not primarily a business dispute, it's a family situation. Notice I didn't even say dispute. My experience has been that differences in opinion around the division of assets only become disputes when fueled by the misguided advising of combative attorneys or family and friends. Now don’t get me wrong, there are very ethical attorneys out there. But unfortunately, the language of law is very combative and contentious. So even with good intentions, it can appear that someone is looking to do battle. 

The reality is the legal system has not been created for family situations. It's designed for crime. And without exception every couple I have known that has gone through the litigation process for their divorce has ended up feeling like a criminal. Of course, they do! That's what the system is for! But with the recent growth of the Collaborative process and options like mediation, it’s moving towards a more ethical process. The beauty of being human is that we can change. We can decide that something doesn’t work and do it differently. We can help families that have decided that the best answer for their family is two households not one, to make that situation work with love, understanding and a system that supports them.